The Day I Cried Because I Couldn't Say 'Sorry.' My Journey to Understanding the True Meaning of 'Sumimasen'

Introduction

Outside the window, cold rain continued to fall.

"Why am I the only one being scolded?"

One evening several years ago, I was wiping away tears alone in the back of the convenience store where I worked part-time. Six months since coming to Japan. My grades at Japanese language school were good, and I was confident in my grammar and vocabulary. However, that day, I was deeply disturbed by my manager's words: "First, you should say 'sumimasen'!"

Have you ever wondered while living in Japan, "Why do Japanese people apologize so much?" or felt "I don't want to apologize when I'm not at fault"?

In this article, I'll share the reason behind the tears I once shed and what I discovered about the true nature of the word "sumimasen." By reading this article, you'll understand the following three things:

1. The boundary between "apology" and "manners": Why Japanese people use "sumimasen" so frequently.
2. The "feelings for others" behind the words: Understanding beyond vocabulary meaning—a "pragmatic" perspective.
3. Magic that dramatically transforms relationships: Communication techniques you can use starting today to connect hearts.

The conflict I once experienced is surely connected to your current concerns.

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The Cry of "I'm Not at Fault"

That day, my lateness wasn't my fault. The train I was on stopped due to an accident, and I was stuck at the station for 20 minutes.

As soon as I arrived at work, I desperately tried to explain the situation. "Manager, sumimasen. But the train stopped. There was an accident!"

However, the manager's expression didn't clear. "...I understand the train stopped. But there's something you should say first, isn't there? Why do you start with excuses?"

I was shocked. In Vietnamese culture, accurately conveying facts is "sincerity." I thought explaining "I'm not at fault. The train was at fault" was an admirable attitude of not lying. Conversely, apologizing when you're not at fault felt like abandoning your pride or lying.

Let me organize the gap between my thinking at the time (Vietnamese perspective) and the manager's (Japanese perspective).

Comparison Table of "Sincerity" Definitions

Situation	Vietnamese Sensibility	Japanese Sensibility
Late due to train delay	Explaining the fact (delay) is sincere	Apologizing for causing inconvenience is sincere
Attitude when reprimanded	Smile in confusion (Hiya)	Lower gaze to show reflection
Priority of apology	Explanation of reason > Apology	Apology > Explanation of reason
Meaning of "sumimasen"	Heavy "Xin lỗi" for serious faults	"Lubricant" to smooth the atmosphere

Furthermore, I was unconsciously engaging in behavior called "Hiya". This is a "smile" common among Southeast Asians to hide confusion or embarrassment. While being scolded by the manager, I panicked and my face contorted into a smile.

Seeing this, the manager became even angrier, saying "You're not reflecting!" My "sincerity" was being translated as "insincerity" in the Japanese context.

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The Moment It Became a Magic Word

What saved me from such despair was my senior colleague at work, Sato-san. Sato-san was always cheerful and trusted by everyone.

One day, I was observing how Sato-san worked. When a customer carrying heavy luggage tried to open the door, Sato-san ran over and opened it. When the customer said "Oh, thank you," Sato-san responded:

"No, no, sumimasen, I was slow to notice!"

I was surprised. Sato-san was the one doing the kindness, so why did she apologize? During break time, I gathered courage and asked. "Sato-san, why did you say 'sumimasen' earlier? You didn't do anything wrong."

Sato-san smiled gently and explained. "Ah, that wasn't an apology. It's like saying 'I'm sorry to trouble you' or 'I wish I could have helped sooner'—it's consideration for the other person. In Japan, 'sumimasen' is like a cushion that connects hearts."

At that moment, something clicked audibly in my mind. The Japanese "sumimasen" wasn't just the Vietnamese "Xin lỗi (apology)"—it was magic wrapping paper that encompassed the meanings of "Cảm ơn (thank you)" and "Làm phiền (excuse me for bothering you)" as well.

10 Specific Examples of "Sumimasen"

Here are examples of how to use "sumimasen" that I learned.

1. Getting attention: "Sumimasen, I'd like to order please"
2. Gratitude (when someone picks something up for you): "Ah, sumimasen (thank you)"
3. Cushion word (before a question): "Sumimasen, may I ask something?"
4. Light apology (when almost bumping into someone in the hallway): "Ah, sumimasen"
5. Gratitude (when receiving a gift): "Such a nice thing, sumimasen (I'm grateful)"
6. Request (when asking for someone's time): "Sumimasen when you're busy"
7. Acknowledgment (to someone's story of hardship): "That sounds... difficult. Sumimasen (I sympathize)"
8. Leaving greeting: "I'll leave first. Sumimasen for today when you were busy"
9. Securing physical space: "Sumimasen, coming through"
10. Conversation closing: "Sumimasen for calling you specially"

Looking at this list, you'll notice that everything involves "standing in the other person's position." What the manager wanted from me wasn't "acknowledgment of the fact of being late," but "consideration for the other staff who covered for my absence."

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Common NG Patterns and OK Patterns

For learners who, like my former self, work hard but end up at a disadvantage, I'll introduce specific contrasts.

NG Pattern: Reason comes first

Boss: "This task isn't finished yet?" Subordinate: "Yes, I had many other tasks and didn't have time" (Boss's inner voice: Just making excuses without reflecting)

OK Pattern: First place the "sumimasen" cushion

Boss: "This task isn't finished yet?" Subordinate: "Sumimasen, it's not finished yet. Actually, coordinating with other tasks was difficult..." (Boss's inner voice: I understand the situation. I hope they'll consult earlier next time)

Just by having "sumimasen" as the first word, the other person's heart opens, and they'll receive your explanation (reason) as "information" rather than "excuses."

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Conclusion (From Present Me to You)

Several years since that rainy day. Now I'm in a position to teach junior Vietnamese international students how to use "sumimasen."

"Sumimasen" is not a word for abandoning your pride. Rather, it's the strongest weapon for delivering the message "I value you" and "I understand your hardship."

What You Can Do Starting Today

1. Try saying "sumimasen" once instead of "thank you."
2. When reprimanded, even if you want to make excuses, stop for just one second and say "sumimasen" out loud.
3. When apologizing, try bowing your head slightly with a "serious face" instead of a smile.

Rather than becoming able to use perfect honorifics, a single "sumimasen" that empathizes with the other person's heart will enrich your life in Japan many times over.

May your "sumimasen" become a gentle bridge that reaches someone's heart.